Individuality in Your 20s: Really Conformity?

“The reward for conformity was that everyone liked you except yourself.”  ~Rita Mae Brown, Venus Envy

     Today was one of those enlightening coffee shop conversations. You know, the ones where you sit inside a coffee shop that sells way overpriced caffeinated beverages and sit and ponder the questions of the universe. Or, in my case, drag a friend to and pour over this thing we call the “quarter life crisis” of our twenties. So here we sat, dwelling over the fact that we were both about to be graduates in less than four months, the anxieties of not finding a job, being confused, etc. etc. This is where the conversation becomes epic. So I poetically chime in that I feel frustrated with the whole notion of trying to find myself, my life’s purpose, where I fit in. The response I get: “You fit in just fine. You’re mainstream.”  Um, excuse me? I’m what now? Oh yeah, that’s right, you just called me MAINSTREAM. Sensing my mild offense to his comment, he continued, “Well, I mean look at you, with your plaid shirts, tattoos, hipster haircut. You fit in just fine. In fact, you look like you could have just walked out of Queen Street West.” Although my initial response was to fight him to the death about what an individualist I was, and how unique I was, I realized that if anything, he was right.

     This brings me to my thoughts about the search for individuality and the inevitable conformity that ensues throughout your twenties. We enter our twenties so full of vigour and fervour, convinced we have a firm sense of identity established during our late teens. We are young, unique, and badass, and each of us is convinced that we possess such a wild, different perspective on life and how to do things and no one is going to tell us any different. Then we encounter peer pressure. Yeah, you know. Good old reliable peer pressure. Or peer influence. Call it what you will. We begin to take on aspects of those we encounter, those we hold closest, and those who we admire from afar. The aesthetic exterior, the mannerisms, the ways of speaking all become internalized into parts of who we are. And although we desperately try to hold onto those pieces of ourselves that once made us unique and “different from the rest,” we slowly give those pieces away from aspects that seem to “fit better” with who we should be according to others, not who we want to be according to ourselves.

     I guess that’s the uncomfortable, awkward thing about this search for ourselves in our twenties. It gets to the point where you look in the mirror and realize you aren’t the person you used to be, or even close to the person you want to be. Removed from all social influences, alone with yourself in front of the mirror, you don’t even recognize the person who’s staring back at you. That’s the point where I’ve gotten to, standing there, looking at myself asking, “What’s this all for?” So I guess that’s what this year is going to be for me, the search to re-individualize myself and start embracing aspects of me that make me “me,” and getting rid of those aspects that serve to satisfy other people’s ideal version of me.

It’s going to be a long year.